What is TDV?

Teen Dating Violence (TDV) is when one partner uses unhealthy behaviors to gain power and control over their partner. TDV occurs in heterosexual and LGBTQ+ relationships at any stage (dating, engaged, married, after a breakup).

TDV Facts

1 in 3 teens experience abuse by an intimate partner according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC.gov)
Most intimate partner violence occurs between partners who are not married or living together. People ages 16-24 are at the highest risk. (CDC.gov)
Teen dating violence also referred to as, “dating violence”, can take place in person or electronically, such as repeated texting or posting sexual pictures of a partner online without consent.
Harm is caused by people of all gender identities.
People of all genders and sexualities can be harmful and can experience harm.
Unhealthy relationships can start early and last a lifetime. Teens often think some behaviors, like teasing and name-calling, are a “normal” part of a relationship—but these behaviors can become abusive and develop into serious forms of violence. However, many teens do not report unhealthy behaviors because they are afraid to tell family and friends.
Want to learn more? Check out these great resources with more information on teen dating violence:

Risk Factors

Risk factors are linked to a greater likelihood of dating violence. They are contributing factors, but might not be direct causes. Not everyone who experiences these factors experience violence. (Youth.gov, CDC.gov)

- Witnessing or experiencing abuse or violence in the home
- Witnessing or experiencing violence in the community
- Financial stress, poverty, or homelessness
- Lack of or poor education around tech safety, healthy relationships, or sexual health
- Lack of safe adults or positive role models
- Having a friend or sibling involved in an unhealthy or abusive relationship
- Substance or alcohol use
- Lack of social support or peer network (friends, family, etc)
- Low self esteem, depression or other mental health issues
- Aggressive behavior
- Believing in strict gender roles, myths about dating violence, or victim blaming

Forms of Harm

- Emotional/Psychological Aggression: Use of verbal and non-verbal communication with the intent to harm another person mentally or emotionally and/or exert control over another person. This can include behaviors like gaslighting, degrading, threatening, or isolating.
- Physical Harm: When a person hurts or tries to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, or using another type of physical force.
- Sexual Harm: Forcing or attempting to force a partner to take part in a sex act, sexual touching, or a non-physical sexual event (e.g., sexting) when the partner does not or cannot consent. This kind of harm can also take the form of recording/distributing non-consensual intimate images.
- Stalking: A pattern of repeated, unwanted attention and contact by a partner that causes fear or concern for one’s own safety or the safety of someone close to the victim.

Breaking Down the Warning Signs: Power and Control Wheel

Humiliation

When someone maintains power over their partner by lowering their status and self-esteem through put-downs, name-calling, and public shame.

1. “You’re so ugly, no one else will ever want to be with you. You’re lucky you have me.”
2. “You can’t do anything right. You’re so stupid.”
3. “I can’t believe that you got the job. What did you have to pretend to know to get it?”
4. “They probably accepted you because of your race. I don’t think you would have gotten in otherwise.”
5. “You should cancel your performance. My team is playing that day, and I don’t think anyone wants to go to your show anyway. Come and cheer me on.”

Control

When someone limits their partner’s freedom to make decisions related to what they wear, where they go, who they talk to, etc.

1. “I don’t want you to wear that tank top. You look like you’re trying to get with someone else. You’re still with me, remember?”
2. “You know, if you really loved me, you would quit your job so we have more time to spend together.”
3. “Why are you taking birth control? You should have asked me if it’s okay. We don’t have anything to worry about.”
4. “We didn’t talk about you going to drama. We make all of our decisions together. This is a relationship, right?”
5. “I want you to cut your hair like this. It’s so much sexier than what you have now. Don’t you want to look good for me?

Pressure

When someone manipulates their partner’s boundaries through bargaining and/or guilt to make them agree to do something they are not comfortable with.

1. “You were in the mood last night, so just get in the mood again. It’s not that hard.”
2. “Nothing bad is going to happen if you do it. You’re with me so why are you scared?”
3. “It feels so much better without a condom. Don’t you want me to feel good?”
4. “Just do it. Don’t be a buzzkill. It’s not that big of a deal.”
5. “C’mon just let me, don’t you like me? I thought you did. If you don’t, I’ll just find someone else who does.

Isolation

When someone who abuses restricts their partner from seeing friends or family, and/or from making and maintaining social connection.

1. “Your best friend doesn’t want you to be with me. She’s clearly jealous of you. You should rethink that friendship.”
2. “You know you have to ask my permission before you leave.”
3. “Your family hangs out all the time. You can miss a night or two to be with me.”
4. “I think things would be better if you just didn’t text him anymore. You shouldn’t have guy friends like that.”
5. “I’m all you need. Am I not enough for you? Don’t you appreciate everything I’ve done for this relationship?

Intimidation

Using displays of power to make partner feel afraid, out of control, and unsure of their safety.

1. “I could really hurt you if I wanted to. Just remember that.”
2. “You know I have a gun, and you know I’m not afraid to use it.”
3. “My partner started holding my dog in a way that really hurt him. I don’t know what they could do to me, but I don’t want to find out.”
4. “Don’t piss me off. You don’t want to know what I can do when I’m angry.”
5. “I’m not afraid to get physical when I’m provoked.”

Minimize/Deny/Blame

When someone makes their partner believe they’re crazy, overreacting, imagining things, or that they are the cause of/deserved the abuse.

1. “You’re being so dramatic. I didn’t even hit you that hard.”
2. “Stop making things up. You know that’s not how it happened.”
3. “You wanted it. I know you wanted it. Stop pretending like you didn’t.”
4. “If you didn’t dress like a slut, I wouldn’t have to log in to your account to delete the selfies that you post. It’s for your own good.”
5. “You’re imagining things. We never had that conversation.”

Threats

When someone controls their partner through ultimatums, hinting that there will be harmful outcomes if their partner does not comply.

1. “If you don’t sneak out of your house to come see me, I will blast your nude on social media.”
2. “If you ever end this relationship, I would have to hurt myself.”
3. “I am going to tell your family that you’re gay if you don’t have sex with me. You wouldn’t want that, would you?”
4. “Do you want everyone at school to know that you’re trans? You should start treating me with some respect if you care about your reputation.”
5. “I’ll have to break your phone if you don’t listen to me and stop talking to that person.”

Checking in and Checking Up

Partner constantly demands information about what their partner is doing, where they are, who they are with, etc.

1. “Why didn’t you respond to my message? Were you talking to other people?”
2. “I want you to share your location with me on Snap so I know where you are.”
3. “You didn’t tell me you were going to see Amy. What are you hiding from me?”
4. “Why did you change your Twitter password? Who are you messaging behind my back?”
5. “I noticed someone has been liking all your photos. Are you being loyal or not?”

Teen Dating Violence (TDV) is when one partner uses unhealthy behaviors to gain power and control over their partner. TDV occurs in heterosexual and LGBTQ+ relationships at any stage (dating, engaged, married, after a breakup).

Breaking Down the Warning Signs: Power and Control Wheel

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